My world fell apart. I fell into my friend Joanne’s arms and cried until I couldn’t breathe. I realized I was going to have to tell my children that their Dad was gone. It was something I’d had nightmares about and was always terrified of, and now it was real. I remember saying to me Dad as he drove me home that day, “it’s just me now. I’m their only parent. It’s all on me.” That realization was devastating. It was never supposed to be this way. I flashed back to the girl I was when I met him and thought, “how the hell did we get here? How are those blue eyes gone? How is that half smile he used to give me, gone?”  I remember him asking to hold my hand for the first time and how his hands were so big and made mine feel so small. “How were those hands gone?” I remember being a child and always being terrified my Dad would suddenly die. I lived 4 hours away from him and didn’t see him very often. I was always so scared to lose him. Now that’s exactly what my own children were going to have to go through. I felt paralyzed. I just wanted time to stop. I remember watching them walk home from the bus that day and wanting to freeze time before their world came crashing down on them. My Dad had been at the house comforting me and offered to stay with me and help me tell the kids. We let them get settled and have a snack (they had a chocolate muffin from Costco) and then we sat down in the living room. I held them close to me as my dad said the words I could not make myself say.
  This was the worst moment of my life.  My heart has never been in so much pain seeing their reaction. I just held them and rocked them and cried with them.  I don’t remember much after that. There was lots of family support. I am so grateful for my sister Kyla (who immediately dropped everything and drove home from Kenora where she was in a placement for school), my Dad, my stepmom Donna, and my boyfriend, Jason for all their support in those first few weeks. I don’t know what we would’ve done without them. Their guidance counsellor even came to see them at our house to talk with them and see how they were doing. My cousin, Jen bought us groceries - such a simple and beautiful thing to do for those who are grieving. Simple things feel impossible or you don’t even think of them at all. So many people around us showed us such love and concern and I’ll always remember that. 
   Those people who helped us grieve are some of many in the kid’s never-ending support system. They love going to see Jonathan’s brother, Uncle Josh and his dad, Grandpa. Although they live several hours away, we make sure the kids are able to spend quality time with Jonathan’s side of the family. Uncle Josh looks and sounds very much like Jonathan – I think the kids find comfort in their similarities.
   They were 10 and 7 when he died. I’ll never get over how unfair it all is. I’ll never not be sad about all the things he has missed and is going to miss. Every milestone is bittersweet. At first, Chloe would get upset if someone mentioned him without warning (which Luke would do often). Luke would love to ask questions about his dad and loved even more if you told him he looked like his dad or did something just like his dad would. Chloe doesn’t get upset anymore when we talk about him and I’m glad for that. We talk about him daily in some way. It’s been a year and almost 4 months since it happened. I am so proud of my children. They have gone through something I could never imagine going through and are still the wonderful, joyful and happy children they’ve always been. Jonathan would be so proud of them and I tell them that often. I see him in them every day. Luke has his mannerisms, his chin dimple and that half smile. His hands look exactly like Jonathan’s hands and when I’m holding them, I can’t help but feel this ache in my heart. He has Jonathan’s natural athletic ability to play pretty much any sport. Watching him play baseball is like watching a smaller version of Jonathan. Chloe has his love of nature and fearlessness when it comes to the typically “gross” animals. She has his sense of childlike wonder when looking up at the sky and pointing out things that might be a UFO (for sure this time!). Even though my heart breaks over and over again when I see it, I love seeing those flashes of him in them. 
  I wish our story was a happier one. But this is real life, and there’s not always a happy ending. We’re okay. We’re carrying on and doing the best we can together. With the help of our families, I will make sure Chloe and Luke grow up knowing they’re loved, safe and take care of. "

- Jenn